Howard Read's Blog

New Appeal Tour Dates

2006-06-18T13:18:00.000+01:00

New Little Howard Appeal dates (grown-up shows)

7th November 2006, Nordon Farm Arts Centre, Maidenhead, http://nordenfarm.org/

New Tour Dates

2006-06-18T12:24:00.000+01:00

Hello

Here are some more dates that have been added to the tours of The Little Howard Appeal (for Grown-ups) and The Little Howard Kid's Show.

kid's show

15th July 2006, The Liverpool Comedy Festival, www.liverpoolcomedyfestival.co.uk, The Unity Theatre

30 July 2006, Battersea Arts Centre, 17.30, http://www.bac.org.uk/

7th November 2006, Nordon Farm Arts Centre, Maidenhead, http://nordenfarm.org/

1st December 2006, The Junction, Cambridge www.junction.co.uk, BOX OFFICE 01123 511 511

3rd December 2006, Stables Theatre, Hastings, BOX OFFICE 01424 423221, www.stables-theatre.co.uk

8th and 9th December 2006, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, details soon.

song on radio 2

2006-06-18T12:05:00.000+01:00

Hello

Should really have mentioned this before it was broadcast, but I was asked to write a song for The Day The Music Died, which is a very funny show on Radio 2. It went out yesterday, but you can still hear it at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/comedy/daymusicdied.shtml

Howard

New Bady Commissioned

2006-06-18T11:58:00.000+01:00

For those who don't know Nat and I are having a tiny real baby. It's provisional title is Mungbean and it's due for transmission at the end of October.

Howard

Two Raido Pilots

2006-06-18T11:56:00.000+01:00

Hello

You may have noticed that I don't get round to posting blogs very often, but I'm catching up today.

Chris (my writing partner) and I have been made a non-broadcast pilot for Radio 4. It's called Peacefully In Their Sleeps, and it's to be a series of obituaries of people who didn't exist. We should find out in a week or two if it's been commissioned.

We also found out this week that we're going to be making a pilot of a sketch show with the fantastically funny Josie Long for Radio 7. The provisional title for this is "The A-Z of the English Countryside" and it's a sketch show about Wildlife, farmers and me, Chris and Josie fannying about.

Watch this space for incredibly infrequent updates!

howard

Animation Pilot Commissioned

2006-06-18T11:52:00.000+01:00

ello everyone.

Just to let you know that if you're fans of my animation, or of the smash hit UKTVG2 series The Two Posh Old Men (everyone's talking about it) then you'll be very pleased to hear that Chris Chantler and I (the man who I did P.O.M with) have been commissioned by CBBC to make two pilot episodes of an animated sit-com which has the provisional Title of "Stiarlift To Heaven". It's about an eight-year-old boy who, due to a terrible administrative error, is put in an old people's home. It should go out sometime in January.

Howard

New Kid's Show!

2006-04-25T09:13:00.000+01:00

Big Howard and Little Howard are creating a show just for kids!

After years of being told "you should do a show for children", and foolishly not listening, we're doing a show for children!

We're touring it in the afternoons and early evenings starting from june.

See previous post for dates. Come along and bring the kids.

It's the same high-calibre comedy animated fun, but without the scary rude bits.

Howard

Little Howard Tour Dates!

2006-04-24T12:33:00.000+01:00

hello

Me and Little Howard are going on tour! we're doing two shows, The Little Howard Appeal, our highly acclaimed show which debuted at last year's Edinburgh Festival.

We are also touring a brand new Little Howard show for kids!

These are the dates so far and some contact information for booking tickets.

The Little Howard Appeal
not for kids.

19th May 2006, Beaford Arts, Greenwarren House, Beaford, Winkleigh, Devon, EX19 8LU. BOX OFFICE 01805 603201

31st May 2006, York Digital Arts Festival (details to follow)

8th June 2006, The Original Oak, 2 Otley Road, Headingly, Leeds, LS20 8PS. Enquiries: 0113 275 1322

23rd June 2006, The Tower Arts Centre, Winchester, www.towerarts.co.uk/whatson/jun07.html BOX OFFICE 01962 867986

24th June 2006, Windsor Arts Centre, 8.30pm, The Old Court, St Leonards Road, Windsor, www.windsorartscentre.org BOX OFFICE 01753 859336 (NB: The Little Howard Kid's Show is also on that day)

29th June 2006, The Arc Arts Centre, Stockton. BOX OFFICE 01642 525199 www.arconline.co.uk

9th July 2006, The Hawth Theatre, Crawley. www.hawth.co.uk BOX OFFICE 01293 553636

13th July 2006, The Brewhouse, Taunton, www.thebrewhouse.net, BOX OFFICE 01823 283244, (NB: The Little Howard Kid's show is also showing this day)

15th July 2006, The Liverpool Comedy Festival (venue TBC), www.liverpoolcomedyfestival.co.uk

8th August 2006, Cardiff, (details soon)

8th October 2006, South Street Arts Centre, Reading. www.readingarts.com (NB: The Little Howard Kid's show is also on at this venue during the day)

Little Howard's Kid's Show

2nd June, Gulbenkian Theatre, Canterbury. BOX OFFICE 01227-769075. www.kent.ac.uk/gulbenkian/

24th June 2006, Windsor Arts Centre, 12.30pm, The Old Court, St Leonards Road, Windsor. www.windsorartscentre.org BOX OFFICE 01753 859336 (NB: The Little Howard Appeal show for adults is also on that day)

11th July 2006, Newbury Corn Exchange, BOX OFFICE 01635 522733

13th July 2006, The Brewhouse, Taunton, www.thebrewhouse.net, BOX OFFICE 01823 283244, (NB: The Little Howard Appeal show for adults is also showing in the evening)

30th July 2006, Gloucester, TBC.

2nd August 2006, Broxbourne Civic Hall, Hoddesdon, Herts. Contact 01992 441946.

12th August 2006, Leicester (details to follow)

19th August 2006, Haverhilll Arts Centre, www.haverhill-uk.com/artscentre, BOX OFFICE 01440 714140

16th September 2006, The Egg Theatre, Theatre Royal, Bath, www.theatreroyal.org.uk/egg, Contact 01225 823409 (two shows)

1st October 2006, Barnet Arts Depot, www.artsdepot.co.uk, BOX OFFICE 020 8369 5454

8th October 2006, South Street Arts Centre, Reading. www.readingarts.com (NB: The Little Howard Appeal show for adults is also on at this venue in the evening)

21st February 2007, West End Centre, Aldershot. www.westendcentre.co.uk BOX OFFICE 01252 330040.

Come and see them, or we'll beat you up.

click here for www.littlehoward.co.uk

More DVDs for sale

2006-02-14T10:53:00.000Z

Hello

after a brief haietus (sp?) Howard Read's Animated Album is back on the ebay store.

Sorry for the gap but I've been away from home for ages.

Howard

Big Howard Little Howard Store

Little Howard at Leicester Comedy Festival

2006-02-09T12:24:00.000Z

we're doing two shows at this year's Leicester Comedy Festival. At Bambu on thursday 16th and Leicester Student Union on Saturday 18th. See http://www.howardread.com/gigs.html for details

New Stock of DVDs Available

2006-01-17T01:28:00.000Z

Hello.

Having sold out completely of DVDs over new-year I've made some more! And they're available here.

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/The-Big-Howard-Little-Howard-Shop

We've been getting great feedback. If you want to look at it, it's here.

http://feedback.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewFeedback&userid=howardread&ssPageName=STRK:ME:UFS

Late Christmas Card

2006-01-17T01:18:00.000Z

Before Christmas a company called Excellent Voice (who do voice-overs, excellently) commissioned me to do their animated christmas card. The script and Voice-over was provided by them but the animation is all mine. The initial request was that the last shot should be of the character with a pair of "big luscious lips". When I drew lips that fitted that description on the character however it looked really, really racist (Just imagine the character with big red, luscious, lips, and think of marmalade). I told them and wisely they said the race-hate market wasn't what they were going for and said I should change it.

Hope you like it, I think it's quite cool

http://www.howardread.com/stickboy160.swf

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DVDs of Howard's animations are available at

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/The-Big-Howard-Little-Howard-Shop

Meet Edwardo

2006-01-17T01:13:00.000Z

This is a new character I'm working on. He's called Edwardo. He's a crab.

http://www.howardread.com/helloedwardo.swf

Howard

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DVDs of Howard's animations are available at

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/The-Big-Howard-Little-Howard-Shop

Thoughts while failing to write jokes

2006-01-08T15:10:00.000Z

People often ask me, ‘how do you come up with your ideas?’ The next person who does will get a print-out of this.

“The best ideas come from inspiration rather than perspiration” a great man once said, eventually. My best ideas come when I’m not trying to write, sadly I’ve got a work ethic. For me sitting behind a desk is the last place I want to be to come up with ideas. What I do to come up with the big money-maker jokes is go to museums, go for walks in the park, go to places I’ve never been before. I think the best place for me to be, creatively would be Cuba, and I’d go, but for some reason I never have any money.

Can you force inspiration?
To force inspiration what I do, is I clear my mind of all thoughts and just try to let it wander. Unfortunately this is also how I get to sleep. I’m not very prolific but I’m sure I have some of the funniest dreams in the business (I try to write some of it down but when I do my pen turns into a snake!) After shows people often say of me “he wasn’t funny, but didn’t he look refreshed!”

Spider Musings

2006-01-05T10:27:00.000Z

There’s a spider’s web on my lamp. It’s stretched all the way across the bottom of the shade but it’s not round and spirally like you expect a spider’s web to be. It's just a few threads with great big holes in it. You never see spiders on webs like that do you? I think this is because they’ve gone because they know it’s shit.

Spider’s webs collect dust, so why do we get rid of them? It saves me doing it with a vacuum cleaner.

I can't kill spiders

2006-01-05T10:11:00.000Z

I can’t kill spiders. I want to kill them because I see them and I go, ‘look at it’s horrible little spindly legs I want to squish that dead.’ But then when I’m about to squish it I think ‘I can’t kill that, it’s horrible and spindly, and it might make a mess’. I think I’d rather have a horrible spindly thing in the world than a splash of spider’s goop which still has horrible spindly legs sticking out of it. And that’s why, if I was George Bush I’d never have invaded Iraq.

Flys must be the stupidest things in the world.

2006-01-05T10:00:00.000Z

Flys must be the stupidest things in the world. If I was a fly and I got caught in a spider’s web and the spider was coming towards me getting ready to eat me, I’d just stamp on the spider. Why doesn’t a fly think of that? Actually come to think of it, I wouldn’t even have got caught on the spider’s web. If I was a tiny fly and there were loads of spider’s webs everywhere I’d go everywhere by car. Flys must be the dumbest things in the world.

Two Posh Old Men DVDs

2005-12-11T00:44:00.000Z

Hello

All 30 episodes of my UKTV cartoon The Two Posh Old Men are now available to buy here.

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/The-Big-Howard-Little-Howard-Shop

Link

You can also buy more of Howard Read's Animated Album if you like.

Howard

More DVDs available

2005-12-06T10:21:00.000Z

The last batch of DVDs sold out almost immediately, which is nice. So I've put some more up.

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/The-Big-Howard-Little-Howard-Shop

Link

Big Howard Little Howard Ebay shop open!

2005-12-02T17:52:00.000Z

DVDs of Howard's animation are now available at http://stores.ebay.co.uk/The-Big-Howard-Little-Howard-Shop

Link

go and buy them now please.

Howard

Little Howard at The Soho Theatre

2005-11-21T12:50:00.000Z

Come and see The Little Howard Appeal at the Soho Theatre (21 Dean Street, London W1D 3NE) at 9pm, 1st - 3rd December.

Book Tickets on 0870 429 6883 or at http://www.sohotheatre.com

If you can't come, watch this, so that you wish you could, or feel compelled to forward this email to all your friends in london.

If you can come, watch this anyway, it's great!

QUICKTIME: http://www.littlehoward.co.uk/sohotrail.mov
FLASH: http://www.littlehoward.co.uk/sohotrail.swf

Here is what some fancy critics have said about it.

"I pity the fool that misses this" Metro

"His best and most ambitious show yet" The Scotsman

"Damn good" The Guardian

ALSO! The show will see the release of new DVDs of Howard's animations and of The Two Posh Old Men, Howard's cult cartoon series as seen on UKTV.

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and NEW! web diarys:
http://littlehoward.blogspot.com/
http://howardread.blogspot.com/

www.howardread.com
www.littlehoward.co.uk

“Mr Read, would you like your 8.30 Self Loathing now?”

2005-09-20T10:48:00.000+01:00

“Mr Read, would you like your 8.30 Self Loathing now?”
“Erm, no. I think I’ll skip it toda – “
“Fine. We’ve been working on this for weeks and weeks and weeks, and this is all the thanks we get.”
“Sorry yes, please bring it in…”

I woke up this morning on a bit of a downer. I think it was an Interview I saw with Micheal Palin last night where Mark Lawson probed him, in a slightly superior way, about his life and career. I would have thought this would be something that would have left me feeling happy. After all Micheal Palin has been a hugely successful everything-I’d-like-to-be for his entire life and also remained being a nice bloke. He seems to be someone who is fantastically ordinary and yet fantastically talented, which is rare. As a hugely ordinary bloke myself, who is trying to do similar things, you’d think I’d find him being celebrated on such mainstream media as one thirty AM on BBC FOUR heartening, but no.

I think what upset me was the way Mark Lawson just picked at Mr Palin like a crow at meat. At one point, right towards the end of the interview he brought up the three things in Palin’s life that Mark Lawson thought were terrible failures. A novel, something else, and a play. Palin seemed taken aback. As far as he was aware his Novel Hemmingway’s Chair had been quite successful (he admitted that the play had been savaged, but interestingly didn’t say it failed). Mark Lawson retorted, in a way which implied “well obviously I meant…”, that it was a failure compared with the sales of his travel books.

I think the fact that Mark Lawson, who I now see as the public face of the critic, can still be picking at someone as universally fantastic as Micheal Palin filled my heart with dread. I think the root of my current malaise lies in the fact that I read the online reviews for my Little Howard show last week. They were very good, the most damning of them was still only damning with faint praise, but it’s still knocked a hole in my week (“A very good gimmick, but still only a gimmick” – I’ll get you bloke-who-writes-for-the-gaurdian if it’s the last thing I do), I am aware that taking this so personally is pathetic. But realising that that I’m pathetic as well as being told that my most successful creation is just a gimmick, actually makes me feel worse.

The thing that depressed me was the realisation that if I stay in the career of trying to entertain people for the rest of my life, and if I’m lucky enough to have a apeth of the success of Micheal Palin there will always be some c*** like Mark Lawson trying to pull the flesh from my bones until I am as old and baggy as the fantastic Mr Palin (If I was Micheal Palin I would have read this and fixated in “old and baggy” for the next week).

The excuse for critics existing, which I do, reluctantly accept, is that they give the paying member of the public an opinion as to whether or not they should spend their hard earned money on a piece of art or entertainment. I understand the need for this. I still maintain that this would be done on a rota basis, where everyone gets a chance to be a critic rather than allowing people who have done nothing else with their lives the chance to devote their whole existences to a career of raining on people’s parades. The fact that, as far as I am aware, Micheal Palin is not currently trying to sell anything, he hasn’t just released a film, book or anything like that, and that the program was just supposed to be a celebration of his life why then do we still need to stick the book in?

Other things that annoyed me in the last twenty-four hours include my inability to do DIY. I had a sudden burst of energy the other day and lunged at the two window blinds that have been leaned up in various corners of our flat for about six months now, waiting for someone tall enough to fit them to the window. My girlfriend Natalie didn’t have the much-hoped-for growth spurt, and has single-handedly decorated the entire flat (up to eye-level at least) while I’d been swanning about getting ready for the Edinburgh festival.

To my dismay I really, really suck at DIY (Mark Lawson take note, make sure you bring this up if I ever win a BAFTA). I had to cut two battens, drill three holes above two windows, prime, paint and attach blind fittings to the battens and then hang the blinds. At the half-way stage I’ve managed to cut each batton to exactly the wrong length, destroy three drill-bits and counter-sink a couple of batten holes so deep the counter-sink took over the rest of the screw hole. My Piece Of Resistance (as the French say) was drilling four holes in the wall in order for them to line up with four holes in a Venetian blind bracket. Having drilled them I was very impressed to find that it was impossible to get any two of the holes to line up at once. Every single hole was drilled in the wrong place.

I then got a drill bit stuck in the roof, and for quite a long time it looked like I wasn’t going to be able to get it out. I was going to fit a plaque and leave it as an eternal flame, lest we ever forget how bad I am at DIY. Fortunately, I eventually managed to remove the drill bit from the ceiling, but for a moment it looked like disposing of the evidence of my inability to do DIY was actually going to take longer than the job I was botching itself.

I’m currently on a train to Hampshire to visit my gran and write with my friend Chris. I got up and quarter to eight and still managed to miss my train by a whole hour. I have however had a nice morning of thinking, which is where all this nonsense came from.

Edinburgh Festival blog

2005-08-03T14:05:00.000+01:00

Hello

Long time no post. sorry.

I've been up to my eyes getting two shows ready for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

I'm doing Howard Read: 2005 comeback special, at the Smirnoff Underbelly, at 7.50pm, which starting tomorrow August 4th. I just did my technical run-through, and I stormed it with my technician and the venue manager who's walkie-talkie heckled at in-oportune moments.

It's a show where I try to tackle talking about real life, and play the ukulele a bit.

My other show is with Little Howard (www.littlehoward.co.uk) and it's called The Little Howard Appeal, and he's in a coma. It's much funnier than it sounds. In fact I think it's the best Little Howard show I've done. Hoora.

That starts tomorrow (4th August) as well, as The Smirnoff Underbelly, and that's at 3.30.

to buy tickets for either go to http://www.smirnoffunderbelly.co.uk/

Underbelly has entrances on Cowgate and the George IV bridge.

or click on the title of this entry.

I'm also performing tonight at the BBC Stand-up Alive show at the Pleasance dome. the show starts to 11pm

Howard

Link

I shall try to post a webdiary of the festival as often as I can.

do come along.

howard

Preview Dates for Howard's shows

2005-06-08T12:39:00.000+01:00

HOWARD READ; THE 2005 COMEBACK SPECIAL
Tuesday 21st June, Downstairs at the King's Head, Crouch End, London. doors 8pm. £7/£5. http://www.downstairsatthekingshead.com/
Thursday 14th July, Newbury Comedy Festival, AFC Newbury, Faraday road stadium, Newbury RG14 2AD. 9pm £5/£4 01635 522733 (double bill with robin ince)
Wednesday 20th July, The Hen and Chickens, 109 St Paul's Road, Highbury Corner, London N1 2NA Box Office: 020 7704 2001 9.15pm
Sunday 24th July, Colchester Arts Centre, Church St, Colchester, Essex Box Office 01206 500 900 8pm http://www.colchesterartscentre.com/

Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Thu 4 August - Sun 28 August 2005 Smirnoff Underbelly, Venue 61, Edinburgh Central Library, George V Bridge, Edinburgh Box Office: 0870 745 3083 8pm £10/£9

THE LITTLE HOWARD APPEAL
Thursday 16th June, The Original Oak, Headingly, Leeds. £5.00, doors 8pm, show 9pm
Monday 4th July, Old Rope, 22 Below, 22 Great Marlborough Street, London, W1. 020 7437 4106. 8.30pm £5/£3.
Thursday 7th July, The Leskar, Hunters Bar, Sheffield. doors 8.15, show 9.00. reserve tickets 0114 2679787
Sunday 10th July, Lowdown At The Albany, Great Portland Street, london. 240 Great Portland Street W1W 5QU. 020 7387 5706 http://www.lowdownatthealbany.com.
Tuesday 12th July, Downstairs at the King's Head, Crouch End, London. doors 8pm. £7/£5. http://www.downstairsatthekingshead.com/
Tuesday 19th July, The Riverside Studios, Hammersmith, Crisp Road, Hammersmith, London W6 9RL Box Office: 020 8237 1111 http://www.riversidestudios.co.uk (double bill with Natalie Haynes)
Tuesday 26th July, The Cheeky Monkey Comedy Club, The Station, 7 High Street, Kings Heath, Birmingham, B14 7BB, Doors 8.00pm Show 8.30pm Tel 0121 4441257
Saturday 30th July, The Comedy Box, The Hen and Chickens, 210 North Street, Bedminster, Bristol, 0117 922 3683 8.30pm

EDINBURGH FRINGE FESTIVAL
Thu 4 August - Sun 28 August 2005 Smirnoff Underbelly, Venue 61, Edinburgh Central Library, George V Bridge, Edinburgh Box Office: 0870 745 3083 3.30pm £10/£9

Animated Trailer

2005-05-31T11:09:00.000+01:00

Hello

click here to see an animated trailer for LITTLE HOWARD'S SOFT PLAY AREA on Sunday 5th June.

http://www.littlehoward.co.uk/spa3trailer.html

Link

details below

Howard

3rd Soft Play Area!

7.30 pm, Sunday 5th June 2005

Little Howard's third monthly show Lowdown At The Albany will include:

Ida Barr - Music Hall singer/hip-hop artiste (from Chris Green, creator of Tina C)

Natalie Haynes - Perrier Best Newcomer Nominee, highly-acclaimed stand-up and Ian Turing fan.

Chris Banks - Former Keyboard player from Busted!

Also Little Howard will be Interviewing George W Bush, by satelite, performing a Tarot Reading (with Top Trumps cards) for a member of the audience and you can meet our new Roadie, called Dave.

Lowdown at The Albany

240 Great Portland Street W1 5QU

tickets: 020 73875706

Howard Read: The 2005 Comeback Special

2005-03-17T01:23:00.000Z

Hello

I've foolishly decided that I'm going to Edinburgh with two shows this year. One Little Howard show, called The Little Howard Appeal and another one that's just me.

Howard Read: The 2005 Comeback Special will be my first full hour of stand-up, which will have no animation, no sound cues, no props and just me saying funny stuff. The main reason to come is that it might be terrible and you can tell me not to give up my day job.

Work-In-Progress shows for Howard Read: The 2005 Comeback Special booked to date are:
21st March, The Etcetera Theatre, Camden (http://www.etceteratheatre.com/)
25th April, The Etcetera Theatre, Camden
21st June, Downstairs at The King's Head, Crouch End, London (http://www.downstairsatthekingshead.com/)
7th July, The Lescar, Sheffield

Warm-up Preview dates for The Little Howard Appeal booked to date are:
20th April, Just The Tonic, Caberet, Fletcher Gate, Nottingham (http://www.justthetonic.com/)
16th June, The Origonal Oak, Headingly, Leeds
9th July, The Red Rose, Finsbury Park (http://www.redrosecomedy.co.uk/)
12th July, Downstairs at The King's Head, Crouch End, London (http://www.downstairsatthekingshead.com/)

for more information see www.littlehoward.co.uk

As a reward for absorbing all of that information I shall tell you about two funny things that happened this evening.

Firstly: I was doing a gig in West Hampstead and was talking to a rather posh woman from Buckinghamshire on the front row. When I asked her about her village she declaimed loudly "We have a very big hunt!" She said this a little too quickly however and her accent lead me to believe she could have been using the royal We. I replied "I'm sure you do dear, unless there's too much reverb on this microphone."

On more directly funny ground I saw this in a minicab office when I was walking home:

Not so funny if he was actually dead of course.

Now come to my previews you bastards.

Howard

doodles 9.3.05

2005-03-09T09:01:00.000Z

Here are some of my recent etchings

Here is Cowbear on a micro-scooter.

My Inner Child, poking a duck (see www.littlehoward.blogspot.hmtl)

I did a gig in Liverpool the other day and this is my artist's impression of a drunk old man who accompanied me on the late night train to manchester. I drew this in case Salacious Muttering ever became a crime and my case got to court.

Andy Worhole, disgruntled after having been famous for over 15 minutes, and an unpredictable rabbit called Muffy (it's easy to predict what this drawing of him will do, however; nothing, it is only a drawing)

International Duck of Mystery, and part of another duck

The first in a range of mobility vehicles that I am designing for bees. I also intend to make stilts for Daddy Long-Legs, kneck braces for Praying Mantis', artificial heads for Praying Mantis fathers and false noses for ants.

Howard

Cheltenham Gents

2005-03-08T01:38:00.001Z

I just did a very nice gig in Cheltenham, and noticed the gent's toilets had the biggest array of vending machines I've ever seen.

As well as the usual conventional condom machine there were machines selling a 'natural pheromone spray', and chewable toothbrushes for bad breath. There was a machine selling ribbed condoms, one selling 'herbal viagra' and even a machine selling vibrators! All of which begs the question; exactly how bad at sex are the men of Cheltenham? Their toilets seem to prepare them for failure in every single stage of seduction. If they can't attract a mate, then there are pheromones and breath fresheners (no Mirror, as Ed, a fellow comic pointed out). If they can pull, but can't perform, or 'fulfill' her 'needs', then there's viagra and ribbed condoms. And if all else fails and they can't even face trying, there are vibrators on sale for just five pound coins.

I mentioned it on stage and they felt pretty stupid I can tell you. Not as stupid as I felt however when I realised, only too late, that getting a camera phone out at the urinals isn't really the done thing.

Having said all this the real people from Cheltenham (rather than the ones in jokes) were lovely and I hope have very successful love lives.

I also saw this

which is a new party political poster for The Conservatives. I felt this poster should have had "we are racist, but you can't get us on this one" in small print. To me this is the poster-equivalent of a bloke in a pub starting a sentence "I'm not racist but..." which is a sure-fire sign that everything they say and do from that point in will be very, very racist indeed.

Speaking of Daily Mail-fueled paranoia. My very lovely mother-in-law wants to get us a document shredder for our new house. She's probably right, but she used the argument 'you don't want people going through your bins and finding out your address, do you?'. I pointed out that my bins are situated right outside my address; trying to keep my address a secret from people who are going through my bins is kind of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted (or been stolen by gypsies).

REMINDER: Milk Run Show 31, you've got four more days to listen to it here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/oneclick/comedy/

Howard

New Website

2005-03-03T15:47:00.000Z

Two postings in one day. Don't let this make you think I've got nothing else to do.

I'm in the process of re-designing my website, it's not quite finished, but have a look:

http://www.howardread.com or click above

Howard

Howard and Chris on Radio 1

2005-03-03T13:25:00.000Z

Hello

Last week myself and Chris (fellow mastermind behind UKTV's The Two Posh Old Men) recorded some sketches for a show called The Milk Run, on Radio 1, which is on the wireless radiogram 97-99 FM.

These sketches have been mixed with some ghastly dance music and are being played tomorrow morning at three AM (friday 4th March). Now if you're not the sort of person who is often up at three in the morning, and listening to Radio 1 (Truckers, drug-addicts and rapists, between the ages of 17 and 38, is the official demographic according to the BBC) then you can listen to it online at the following address for most of next week.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/oneclick/comedy/

or click on the title of this entry

Howard

Funny things I said today.

2005-03-01T01:17:00.000Z

Hello

I've just come back from a very bizarre, but great fun gig in Petersfield, which is about eight miles south of Nowhere. During the gig I made some very funny ad-libs, if I do say so myself. Now It's slightly self-regarding to run through ad-libs after the event but these two were genuinely some of the funniest things I've ever said, and I thought I'd see if their immediate funnyness would translate into print.

I was on at the end of the gig and through-out the evening two characters in the audience had come the the fore in the room. A big man by the bar with a big rasping henry-the-forth type voice, who kept on shouting out vapid, posh things, and a good looking young guy in the front row, with a muscle vest and cerebral palsy.

Both of them were joining in a lot. The fat man in a bit of a loud self-regarding way and the guy with cerebral palsy, by putting up his hand and shouting stuff, which was often hard to understand, but usually was funny, or at least well-meaning. The fat bloke was sitting on his own at a corner seat at the bar, that one day will bare a plaque saying "this was fat harry's corner". The guy with cerebral palsy was surrounded by good looking women, who were taking turns to hold his cigarette to his mouth so he could smoke it.

Firstly, the fat man had been blathering all night that he 'made teeth', and everyone had come up with a take on it. In a moment of inspiration I said "does that mean you make dentures, or are you a fairy who's really let himself go". Applause, laughs; well done me.

I then sang one of my songs to the disabled guy in the muscle-vest, which goes "you're so gay, you probably think this song is offensive". And then, with perfect timing the disabled man said "I am gay!" Which got him lots of well deserved laughs. I asked "and where you offended?" He said he was, and everyone was happy.

Then after after a particularly deep lull, caused by a particularly vacuous heckle from a posh friend of the fat bloke I came up with a doozy. I got to a bit of matirial where I sometimes ask who in the audience smoked. As the guy with the vest had put his hand up and answered every question I'd asked, I pre-empted him by saying "well you obviously smoke..." Then noticing the woman who was holding cigarettes up to his mouth, I said "unless that woman's a real bitch!... That's passive smoking gone mad."

Rather unprofessionally I laughed at this for about five minutes which was a good while longer than the rest of the audience laughed. I think it was the combination of the tension caused by the lull, the innate tension that an audience feels when someone on stage addresses someone's disability, and the brazen inappropriateness of calling someone who's clearly trying to help the disabled 'a real bitch'.

Sorry for this slightly self-indulgent post, but all of them are situations which will never come up again, I thought I'd try and record them for prosperity, and smugness... and I've not done any drawings because I've been moving house. More on that, when it becomes funny.

Howard

Award

2005-02-16T01:11:00.000Z

Today Little Howard and I won an award. It's The Fringe Report Award for Multi-media comedy. Fringe Report is a website which champions fringe theatre and today championed me which was very nice of it.

The nice bit was the writing was mentioned, which most people don't notice, wot with all the whizzes and bangs and everything.

This is the certificate. I'n't it lovely.

This is Little Howard's first award. He's been nominated for the Perrier (for which you get a trophy, so I count it as an award). We were both nominated for a Chortle Award (chortle.co.uk) last year but were robbed by Dave Gorman. It is my second (or third, if you count the perrier) as I won the BBC New Comedy Award for Animation in 2001.

You are now up-to-date with our awards.

Howard

Link

more pictures 10.2.5

2005-02-10T14:06:00.000Z

the public pressure I've been under to put up more pictures has been unbearable. You only need to look at the sheer number of posts and comments left after the last batch to see what a living hell the last few days have been. I just hope you bastards are happy, that's all.

here they are.

these are from an article I wrote for Time Out last year, the full text of which can be found at www.littlehoward.blogspot.com.

i think they speak for themselves.

on or near the same pages on note book were these.

Cowbear

beer butter. like brandy butter, but you can eat more of it.

Furious!

My Uncle had beaver's tales for ears. but he didn't look anything like this.

In this picture I ruefully and satirically paralelle the journalist and the penguin. Implying that all journalists are penguins, but in turn does that make all penguins journalists? think on.

Mr T's Dad. And part of a picture of a fish.

please ignore all captions on this other than "Godfry the Lanky Moose".

dunno.

An allegory about the world of musical theatre.

Here are the designs for a character who wears a cheese on his head as a fez. his name is Elmondo Cheesefez and for completeness we see him from two angles.

Posh Old Men swearing; can't beat it.

here is a picture of george W bush. Note it is in a diary and that Julie and Tim were visiting during the two long days it took me to draw this. Helen P met met me just after this creative ordeal was over. I was exhausted and could bearly talk, but she bought me some crisps and I was fine.

all speculation can stop; this is what he will look like.

Will Young once saved me from the world's worst TV warm-up by offering to sing instead of me telling jokes infront of people building Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang.

happy now?!

drawings 8.2.5

2005-02-08T11:48:00.000Z

I would like to call these pictures 'doodles'. Unfortunately I can't because last year an Australian friend of mine heard me say the word 'doodle' and explained that as far as she was concerned 'doodle' meant a gentleman's penis.

More specifically this conversation came about after a photo shoot (with a very good Tasmanian photographer called Wombat (real name Alan Moyles www.photobat.net) where I was shot in front of a wall with some of my drawings. I said "Wombat's taken some great photos of me surrounded by doodles" and Rebecca laughed so hard we eventually heard a faint popping sound and she had to be taken to hospital. It is in her memory that I do not call the following pictures doodles.

this is a lovely picture of America's finest currently serving president George W Bush.

the following explain themselves

Tyrannosaurus Rex, in Bed; the first of, what I plan to be an exhaustive series entitled "Extinct Lizards In Repose"

This is the design for a new character who is a long-dead soldier from the Crimean War, who has come back to this rhealm in the body of a Shore Crab. He's very angry about this, but his voice can only be heard by humans with the help of a tiny microphone and PA system, which aren't easy to come by if you're a Shore Crab.

The following is the first in a series I have entitled "Great Comedians as Bees".

First we see Groucho Marks as a Bumble Bee.

This, as the caption explains if Phil Jupitus as an artist bee. This is from my series "Reasonably good comedians as Bees".

more to come when I do em.

click here: animation character gallery

2005-01-31T23:35:00.000Z

Hello

Have a look at this, it's a new way of looking at my animations. Pick a character any character.

click above or go to

http://www.howardread.com/gallery/animationgallery.html

Howard

link

Swiss Cheese and international travel

2005-01-22T13:53:00.000Z

This week I discovered where Swiss Cheese get's it's holes.

Myself, Marcus Brigstocke and Brendan Burns spent a marvelous week gigging in the French Alps and after Brendan forgot his passport Marcus and I spent some time waiting for him at Geneva Airport. It turned out that Brendan had also forgotten his toothbrush, toothpaste, towel, shaving foam and razor. Maybe he'd confused "going abroad" with "growing a beard". He was carrying a pretty large bag, what was in it was a mystery as you could have filled it a couple of times over with the things he'd forgotten.

We were doing a series of gigs at Dick's Tea Bar, which sounds like weight-lifting equipment for the genitals, but it isn't. An easy mistake to make, but a mistake you only make once, especially when you make it when they're serving dinner. In spite of this we had a marvelous time, skiied a lot and did some marvelous gigs.

Anyway prior to this trip I'd thought that maybe Swiss Cheese's holes were put there with the "cheese-hole-making" blade of the standard issue Swiss Army Knife. While we were waiting I'd also thought that maybe the holes were put there to signify the hollow feeling you get when you spend any time waiting at Geneva Airport (for perhaps, say, for an Austrailian half-wit).

Marcus and I spent a pleasant couple of hours in a faux-grotto in Geneva airport filling this hollow feeling with a Ham and egg Roshti, which is very nice, but quite rich; Imagine egg, ham and potatos, deep fried. Then imagine pouring more fat on it. Then imagine half of the potatos are special ones made out of mostly butter, and then imagine that you had quite a lot of lard in your mouth before you started eating. Then put an egg on top. It's a wonder the planes don't need a longer run-up before they take off.

Marcus and I had spent a short while tutting, sighing, saying "un-believable!" at intervals and listening for heart murmers, when, to change the pace of conversation Marcus imparted a fact. "Did you know that Switzerland still has national service, and everyone who's ever done national service is required to keep a fire-arm in the house." The idea is that should anyone invade the entire population raises as an army. What appears to be a very neutral, and maybe bland place is actually packed up to the very crowns of their neutral teeth with whoop-ass.

I have decided that the holes in swiss cheese where actually bullet holes. What caused Brendan's swiss-cheese-type memory-holes is still a mystery. Had either Marcus or I been as heavily armed as the Swiss on this trip however, he may have got some in same way.

You learn, or invent a new thing every day. Or at least any day you have to wait around for long enough.

Howard

http://www.howardread.com

Hello

2005-01-14T21:38:00.000Z

Hello

I'm Howard Read. I'm a stand-up comic, writer and animator.

If I get round to it I will tell you what I'm up to.

At the moment I'm working on various projects with my animated double act partner Little Howard (http://www.littlehoward.co.uk), we're planning a monthly show in Central london, probably called "Little Howard's Soft Play Area". We're also writing some sketches for some TV people who are interested in us. We're working on a corporate show which we're doing soon.

I'm also working on re-vamping my website (http://www.howardread.com) and trying to stream some of my animations for people's video phones. there are some examples of this here ; http://www.littlehoward.co.uk/stuff.html.

I hope to be funnier in my next post. But I'm a little blinded by technology at the moment.

Howard

http://www.howardread.com
http;//www.littlehoward.co.uk